markcathcart1
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The run on the Warmington on Sea bankThe manager’s office, Warmington on Sea
“Is that wise sir?” enquires Wilson of Mainwairing as he glances at Warmington on Sea’s branch balance sheet?
“Of course it’s wise Wilson! Captain Square called me only yesterday telling me how wonderful these sub-prime investments are. “Higher yield and all AAA” he said. “Don’t miss the boat on this one Main-Waaairing”. There is no way my branch is going to have an inferior ROE to that of the East Gate branch just because you can’t keep up and don’t have the brains Wilson. Oh, no, no, no, no.”
There is a knock at the door, and Pike steps in. “ I’ve come to hand in my notice. It’s all ok Uncle Arthur. Mum says I can. I am starting at Walker’s hedge fund with immediate effect”
“You stupid boy!” replies Mainwairing. “You’ll regret it, mark my words”.
“No I won’t. And Walker knows all about super senior CDO’s. Nah!” Pike wriggles his fingers on his nose in Mainwairing’s direction.
The Warmington on Sea bank a few weeks later.
“Don’t panic! Don’t panic! There’s a run on the bank! Don’t panic!”
Mainwairing steps out of his office to be confronted with a lengthy queue of Warmington on Sea customers seeking to withdraw their cash. “Jones! For goodness sake calm down! Jones!”
“Alright sir but here are a couple of pounds of sausages if I can just take out the full £50 in my savings account. That’s taken me 45 years of sausage meat and Mrs Fox’s stuffing to save that amount sir. Don’t panic! Don’t panic! There’s a run on the bank!”
“What do you mean?” asks Mainwairing.
“It’s true” replies Wilson. “Sub prime has crashed, and those CDOs you bought from Captain Square a few weeks ago are worthless. I did warn you, and if you must know sir, we have just £5 left in the vaults”. On hearing this Jones buckles at the knees.
“I could run home sir, and fetch my piggy bank” offers Godfrey. “And sister Dolly always keeps some change in her purse if that helps”
“Oh shut up you old fool” retorts Frazer. “Can’t you see Mainwairing here” (his elongated index finger prods him in the chest) “has squandered it on worthless paper, and frittered it away on bonuses for himself and his staff, to leave us penniless. Penniless I say. Doomed and penniless! Greed! Greed!”
An extremely worried verger interjects “The vicar can’t pay for his new organ unless his SIV is unwound!’
By this stage the stampede of savers has left Mainwairing crushed in the corner, glasses toppling off his nose, bowler hat askew. “Where is he? Where is he? Where’s that blithering idiot Mainwairing?” yells Hodges “My house has just been repossessed! Wait until I get my hands on him!”
At this stage there is a screech of breaks, and two expensively but casually dressed men step out from their chauffeur driven car. “Is that you Walker?” stutters Mainwairing. “And you Pike?”
Walker puffs on his cigar, and grins. “We shorted your stock weeks ago, and have made an absolute fortune!! We’ve got truck loads of cash if you need any help”
The phone rings, and silence descends in the bank as Mainwairing picks up the receiver to hear Captain Square’s gloating voice. “Is that you Main-waaairing? In a spot of bother are we? Did you fall for that sub-prime advice I gave you the other month? That seed finance I gave to that bank clerk of yours, Pikey whats-his-name, made a killing!!!! Told him and Walker to short Main-waaairing!!! Can you believe it – short Main-waaairing!!! Hor Hor Hor!! Good news is we have made so much money, so much money, we can pay all your depositors off, and the four of us can still retire!”
“Four? Who is the fourth?”
‘Wilson of course, or rather Wilson’s private equity fund! Smart bunch you’ve got at your branch, pity about the branch manager! Hor! Hor! Hor!”
A red faced Mainwairing snaps at Wilson “I can’t believe you went behind my back, after all the years we have worked together”
“I know sir, but I did warn you, and we do all get our cash back, don’t we sir!”
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oldrocker
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Did you write that?
Utterly brilliant ! 10/10
If you did, do you mind if I share it on another couple of forums who would appreciate it, with full credit of course !
Cheers,
Old Rocker Dave.
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straycat
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| oldrocker wrote: | | Utterly brilliant ! 10/10 |
I second that! Who ever wrote it, well done indeed! I kept wishing I could watch this being played out by our (mostly) dearly departed DA actors -- and this despite the fact that the writing was good enough that I could easily see them acting all this out in my mind's eye.
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hodders
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To Mark: [off-topic]
have you by chance just left the employment of your company?
if not, a well-known blogger shares your name, and worked for the same company as I do.
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